NIAW 2017 Listen Up: Was It Over When The Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell No*


The title came from Animal House and honestly it has nothing to do with infertility……well then again….

I may not be the model of the spokesperson someone who is fighting infertility may listen to. I am a man and I have an 8-year old daughter. I am fully aware that in some circles it is difficult to hear from a person who has a child about infertility concerns. Thirteen years ago my wife and I started a battle with infertility. We had many of the familiar battles. We had failed attempts with IVF and IUI processes. We lost pregnancies. We hated hearing people tell us things like “Well maybe I can pitch hit in the bedroom” “Why Don’t you adopt already” “Even my dog’s pregnant” “I’m Pregnant…April Fools” “I’m pregnant again (from the best friend)”. I truly understand the battle and I will always have a part of me that wants to reach out and help people still in the battle and say…..LISTEN UP!!!

You have to understand that it is possible to win the battle. I know at least a dozen people who were told by doctors “You will not get pregnant.” The doctors were wrong. I will not pretend their battles were without tears but they did win. If I know a dozen people then there are so many more of them out their and it is very possible it is you. I beg you to do something else and sometimes this is the hardest part especially it seems for women (personal observation please do not hold it against me) and that is love and trust yourself. One of the biggest pitfalls of the infertility wars is doubting yourself. It is easy to believe you are broken but it simply is not true. There is not a person in the world that is without struggle of some form. So yes you and your spouse may have a mountain to climb but it does not mean you are broken or less worthy. I believe because you are ready to face down your infertility foe and fight it that makes you a hero. When you have a child you would not want them to think they are broken or less of a person so practice now what you will tell them then. You are a hero fighting a foe called infertility and your super power is your determination, the love you and your partner share (if you have one) and your doctors.

Listen up now hero person….don’t let words be your kryptonite. Sometimes our friends and family tell us unhelpful things simply because they have no idea or frame of reference to speak from. So when a relative says just adopt or your friend tries to change the subject remember that it is not their battle and they may be uncomfortable with the subject. They may be sad you are hurting and want the problem to go away and getting you to quit or diverting the subject is their issue not yours so disregard it. Needles and medicine may make me pregnant but words can do nothing for me. When you need words turn to your partner, your doctor, a support group or someone who understands. Would you take advice on fixing your car from a Great Dane…hell no…so why take infertility advice from the friend that just doesn’t get it. Sure they love you and they may be hurting for you but if it is not positive support its nothing.

Listen up now hero person…there is a League of super heroes out there. There are support groups with people at varied stages of the battle and listening to their battles and sharing stories with them can sometimes make us feel better. It’s like someone holding your hand in the dark. Together you are stronger.

Don’t give in. Try to find humor where you can. Find an outlet that from time to time takes you away. You can do this. It wasn’t over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor and it ain’t over now. I love you all and wish you the best. PS…..I know the Germans didn’t bomb Pearl harbor.



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