Infertility: You Just Don’t Count

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I have told the story several times over how a friend told me that maybe God did not want my wife and us to have a baby when infertility dug its ugly claws in our unsuspecting backs. I hate when someone says you can’t do that because to me they are saying you just don’t count or worse yet you are not worthy. Never, ever tell me that.

Who has the right to tell you what you can or cannot do when it comes to reproductive freedom? Today at work a former fellow employee came in with the most beautiful four-month old baby girl you can imagine. She had amazing eyes, big puffy cheeks, and a smile that could make a dead man stare. Being a proud father of a four-year old girl we can smell our own and you could see the pride beaming off of his face. He was a proud, happy Daddy. A proud happy GAY Daddy. He did not face infertility issues that I am aware of but of course he and his husband needed a surrogate to become parents. He was lucky enough have a friend deliver him a baby through IVF. Is a Gay Daddy any less a Daddy than me? Hell no he is every bit as good a Daddy as any straight man. If we listen to some states and anti gay marriage/ gay family groups these regular people are not worthy and they are immoral? Says who? How can we be smart enough to land on the moon, put tens of thousands of songs on a phone, find incredible cures for disease but still think we can tell a person they are not worthy of love or children because Ed loves Ted? It is mind-boggling that anyone would feel this way and think because they feel this way it should be law. Love is love my friends. Love is beautiful and the most potent part of a marriage. Love makes a family and it could care less of what your sex is. Anyone opposed to gay people having children need to find a new hobby.

You and your husband want to have a baby through assisted conception but your family and friends say maybe it just is not in the cards and you should let go of this dream. Your friends change the subject or roll their eyes when you bring up in your infertility journey and woes. They say they just do not want to see you disappointed and wish you would move on. People that have not dealt with infertility simply do not understand your plight most of the time. It is easier to change the subject than to listen to something they cannot relate to. They love you but want to ignore the elephant in the room. Passively they are telling you to give up. They may not say you are not worthy but they certainly don’t feel comfortable hearing it. What do you do? Find a community on-line or through your doctor that has people who do understand the concerns. Often they do not know what to say if pressed they may tell you they are worried about the toll it takes on you. They really are worried about the toll but the subject is out of their wheelhouse and the band-aid is “move on”.  It is akin to saying ,’It’s God’s will”. Do not hate your friend but instead find your support audience.

So one of my first questions was who has the right to tell you that you what you can do when it comes to reproductive choices and my answer is no one. We are all God’s children and are privileged to have dominion over our lives as long as we do not hurt others. Who you love is your choice. If your body will not coöperate in having a baby but a doctor can help you that is your choice. One of the best things in life is having choices. You are already dealing with enough headaches with infertility so try to not let others lack of understanding bring you down. Money is one of the few aspects that can truly stop you. You count my friend. The things you are willing to deal with to become a Mommy or Daddy is living proof of how worthy you are. Any person that says who you can love or challenges your worth as a potential parent is simply insecure and or ignorant. Please hang in there and I wish you all the luck in the world.

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7 responses »

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