Monthly Archives: January 2013

Infertility: You Just Don’t Count

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I have told the story several times over how a friend told me that maybe God did not want my wife and us to have a baby when infertility dug its ugly claws in our unsuspecting backs. I hate when someone says you can’t do that because to me they are saying you just don’t count or worse yet you are not worthy. Never, ever tell me that.

Who has the right to tell you what you can or cannot do when it comes to reproductive freedom? Today at work a former fellow employee came in with the most beautiful four-month old baby girl you can imagine. She had amazing eyes, big puffy cheeks, and a smile that could make a dead man stare. Being a proud father of a four-year old girl we can smell our own and you could see the pride beaming off of his face. He was a proud, happy Daddy. A proud happy GAY Daddy. He did not face infertility issues that I am aware of but of course he and his husband needed a surrogate to become parents. He was lucky enough have a friend deliver him a baby through IVF. Is a Gay Daddy any less a Daddy than me? Hell no he is every bit as good a Daddy as any straight man. If we listen to some states and anti gay marriage/ gay family groups these regular people are not worthy and they are immoral? Says who? How can we be smart enough to land on the moon, put tens of thousands of songs on a phone, find incredible cures for disease but still think we can tell a person they are not worthy of love or children because Ed loves Ted? It is mind-boggling that anyone would feel this way and think because they feel this way it should be law. Love is love my friends. Love is beautiful and the most potent part of a marriage. Love makes a family and it could care less of what your sex is. Anyone opposed to gay people having children need to find a new hobby.

You and your husband want to have a baby through assisted conception but your family and friends say maybe it just is not in the cards and you should let go of this dream. Your friends change the subject or roll their eyes when you bring up in your infertility journey and woes. They say they just do not want to see you disappointed and wish you would move on. People that have not dealt with infertility simply do not understand your plight most of the time. It is easier to change the subject than to listen to something they cannot relate to. They love you but want to ignore the elephant in the room. Passively they are telling you to give up. They may not say you are not worthy but they certainly don’t feel comfortable hearing it. What do you do? Find a community on-line or through your doctor that has people who do understand the concerns. Often they do not know what to say if pressed they may tell you they are worried about the toll it takes on you. They really are worried about the toll but the subject is out of their wheelhouse and the band-aid is “move on”.  It is akin to saying ,’It’s God’s will”. Do not hate your friend but instead find your support audience.

So one of my first questions was who has the right to tell you that you what you can do when it comes to reproductive choices and my answer is no one. We are all God’s children and are privileged to have dominion over our lives as long as we do not hurt others. Who you love is your choice. If your body will not coöperate in having a baby but a doctor can help you that is your choice. One of the best things in life is having choices. You are already dealing with enough headaches with infertility so try to not let others lack of understanding bring you down. Money is one of the few aspects that can truly stop you. You count my friend. The things you are willing to deal with to become a Mommy or Daddy is living proof of how worthy you are. Any person that says who you can love or challenges your worth as a potential parent is simply insecure and or ignorant. Please hang in there and I wish you all the luck in the world.

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Infertility: The Battle Cry Of Recruitment

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I have a sales pitch you will not be able to refuse. When I make this pitch some of you are going to say this man is reading my mind. Welcome to my interview as I am going to try to recruit you into one of the most mystifying tasks you will ever take. Here we go. Brace yourself. I can feel you shaking with excitement. Join me on an adventure. It will be a personal war of sorts. You may hate yourself while doing it. You will almost certainly hate others as they win without even taking on one single skirmish much less a full-scale emotional war.  Your allies will question you, embarrass you, insult you, and at times judge you. You may, at times, hate some of your allies. You will probably have a partner during this trek. He may not understand the scale of the task or understand the depth of your committment to the task. You may hate him too sometimes. He may hate you too at times. Some of you will even hate the family pet if they succeed in their similar task. You will be prodded by people, analyzed by people, some of them will only be guessing while others will be completely wrong. These people will offer you a plan to get to the finish line. Their plan may involve shots, blood loss, taking away from other things you want to do, loss of funds, loans for things you may never own so to speak, surgery, and questions lots of questions and the answers may vary depending on who you talk to. This job will affect your sex life. People will tell you how to have sex, you are doing it wrong, they may tell you when to have sex, some may offer to step in for your normal partner thinking they are funny, sex may become clinical, masturbation will be discussed, you will be told how to masturbate, everyone will know exactly when you masturbate, when sex is done you may have post coitus exercises, and all the long others will think you’re having the time of your life with all this “BONUS” sex. Life’s may be loss while you move forward. You will feel responsible and guilty for these losses. Many will claim to understand but a very small number of people truly will. God will be against your task or at least some will tell you this, when lives are lost people will tell you “it’s God’s will” and that may infuriate you, some Christians will say you are trying to play God and that alone will damn you, everyone will claim to pray for you but most will not, you will question God, but you will also draw on His support and direction. You may have this battle for years and have nothing but loss, scars, and heartache to show for it. Are you in? Do you want to take the challenge of battling infertility head on? I think your answer is yes. You are amazing for wanting to do so.

     When you want to have a child bad enough you will get through these things. You will find ways to cope. You will find yourself stronger than you ever considered possible. You will become closer and communicate more with your partner. You will get mad at those that understand but with support groups, family, friends, faith, and maybe even a sense of humor you will get through it. Infertility is a fother mucker but it can be beat. Sometimes infertility blinks and you can knock it out. If congress had the resolve that people have trying to have a baby while dealing with  infertility then we would be the most efficient government ever. Men and especially women that take this challenge are some of the most dedicated, sweetest, selfless, and giving people you will ever know. They will risk it all to be a daddy or a mommy. When they become parents most of them will never take their blessing for granted. They will go that extra inch to be the best parent they can. I am not saying infertility battled parents are better but they may see things in a much different light. If you are going down the path now or plan to go down the path in 2013 I wish you the best. My wife and I got lucky and we are both willing to lend support. Contact us through this blog. We will give you are Facebook pages. We will support you emotionally if you need us. My wife is a pharmacist and can answer drug questions. There are dozens of  support sites like Attain Fertility, Resolve, and many others. Arm yourself with support, knowledge, and never let someone tell you it cannot be done. Infertility can be beaten and I hope you are one of those that does it.