Monthly Archives: July 2012

Infertility: Hope Is a Dragonfly

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     If there is one thing I learned during our trials with infertility it was that you must have hope. You need something to cling onto that will get you through when dealing with the invisible bitch called infertility. For me the thing that gave me hope was dragonflies. I know that seems simple. It’s a bug for cheese sakes. Most people would get hope from God, or a loved one, or anything but a bug. I am sorry but it was dragonflies for me. I never paid much attention to dragonflies until the last cycle my wife and I had with IVF. I had low expectations for the IVF to work. We had already had the litany of things many of you may have been forced to endure from failed cycles to  with so few eggs cycles to miscarriage. There was a small part of me that found strength in that last cycle because of my amazing wife’s steel will to beat down that invisible bitch. I wanted it to work with all of my heart but I was more concerned that my wife not to have more crushing blows of disappointment to her heart, soul, ego, and psyche. I was standing guard over her and praying like crazy for the best. Who am I kidding I had long given up praying for it to work by then. The invisible bitch can do that to you, crush your faith.

     The day we did the egg retrieval there were complications. The doctor brought me back to my knocked out and not knocked up wife in the sterile room that they performed egg extractions in. I walked into the room to find that there were as many as a dozen nurses and doctors looking at my wife’s nether regions while she had her legs up in the stirrups that you poor women are subjected to.  Many of the gawkers were interns and were in college. They brought me there to tell me that even though there were as many as 30 to 40 eggs they could only get to two. The doctor then proceeded to tell me that her intestines were lying in a way that if they continued to move forward they could lacerate her intestines or liver and a possibly fatal scenario would unfold. They asked me what I wanted them to do. I have a degree in Administration of Justice so what do I know about fertility science? I guess the question was really do you want us to risk killing your wife to get her eggs. My answer was “hell no” and quite frankly I felt I should have never been asked the question but in retrospect I understand why they had to ask. We were dealt a huge blow. Our last cycle had two eggs and anyone that has done IVF understands that we would be lucky to even have an opportunity to implant. My wife was taken back to the recovery room and I was going to have to break this news to her. I went outside to get some air and clear my head before breaking the news. That was the first time I noticed dragonflies flying near me. I noticed the flying dragons but paid little attention. I broke the news about the egg count to my wife and wiped the tears.

     A short time later we were lucky enough to implant both eggs. It became a waiting game. The day of the implant I saw dragonflies in our backyard. A couple of weeks later we were pregnant or rather she was pregnant. We were cautiously optimistic because we had been there before and had horrible results. A short time later my wife started to bleed. When I went to be by her side again I saw dragonflies. My wife had a sub-chorionic bleed and was placed on bed rest for nearly eight months. She could not leave the house and was alone most of the time. A couple of months passed and one of my wifes dearest friends died suddenly in her twenties leaving behind three children. I did not want to give her the news but I knew I had to. I saw dragonflies the morning after her friend passed and the day we buried her. I only saw dragonflies on days that tested us.I saw them again when my wife developed kidney stones. The last time I saw dragonflies was as I loaded my newborn daughter and wife into the car. I saw dragonflies only a few times over the next four years. I found hope and was instantly relaxed every time I saw the dragonflies. They only came around during hard, tough milestones. I think the dragonflies came for a reason. I love dragonflies now. They give me hope.

     This summer I see dragonflies everywhere. The picture above is one I took in my yard. I like to think these dragonflies mean that many of you will finally beat the invisible bitch. I HOPE so. Struggle is about hope. Hope feeds dreams and dreams can become reality. I hope you all find your dragonfly. I hope I am right and more couples than ever will realize the dream of parenthood. I love you all and I am sending dragonflies your way.

Infertility: If Only To Respond In Kind!!!

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funny signs

Have you ever had someone say something to you that was rude and angered you and after they walked away you thought of the best response to the barrage of crap verbiage they threw in your face? Maybe you took the high road and elected and simply smile and say nothing but what if you could rewind time? Would it not be great to respond to the inconsiderate nitwits that make senseless and hurtful comments in regards to your struggle with infertility? This is all tongue in cheek. The things people mindlessly say to couples fighting infertility are painful and I take it very serious and most of these things  to my wife or me. I hope no one is offended and apologize in advance if I do offend anyone.

How many times has someone told you and your spouse that even though you have not had a child yet you are at least having a bunch of fun “practicing”. By this they are implying that your life is some sort of soft core porn movie where as soon as Daddy hits the door the struggling couple are breaking out “toys” and going at each other like a gaggle of competitive eaters at Nathans July Fourth Hot Dog eating contest. Wouldn’t it be nice to just once give them some unneeded if not untrue details to the “fun” you are having? I would have loved to have told them that the dancers from the movie “Magic Mike” come over every night to personally get my wife fired up and ready. It would have been great just to say once to these uneducated to the infertility buffoons that work gives me extra time off to get it on. There are other stupid sex responses too. Has anyone told your man, “If you need any help just let me know”. Is it ever proper to offer to have sex with a friend’s wife or girlfriend? I would liked to have said to those people who it would be great if they would “tag in” but first I get to do mattress dance with their mom, sister, grandmother, and family dog on a prime time special hosted by Ann Curry. Another stupid thing people say is that maybe you are doing it wrong or you should try this  or that position. Really dimwit? I would love to say just once that I tried all the moves their girlfriend demonstrated for me but they just would not work. Could you please send her back over to show me a few more? I could also use Fifty Shades of your sister.

dumbass

On a much darker side how many times have you been told that is was “Gods Will”. Your infertility is “Gods Will”, your losses are “Gods Will”, or your long battle with infertility is “Gods Will”. I hate this one the most. These biscuit bags really think that we are God’s personal reality TV show. God hangs out in the clouds and purposely changes our realities to entertain Him and his plot lines. God is so powerful that He can create Alex Trebek from a tulip but from time to time He just likes to screw with us. Really? Maybe it was “Gods Will” that the dum dums that say these things to infertility couples are rude, crude, and socially unattractive. You’re right God has it in for me and it’s also His will that you are ugly and blessed with the breath of a horses ass. People use “God’s Will” when they don’t know what to say but lets not involve Him in this because quite frankly I bet He is a little too busy to be the instigator of anyones problems.

 

scooby, funny

The cavalcade of inconsiderate people continues with the guy that says, “You can always adopt!”. They make this comment as if it is the most obvious solution. There is nothing wrong with adoption but when a family wants to birth a child adoption may not be an option they chose. I would ask this person why didn’t they buy a Lexus instead of the ten-year old beater they bought. There really are not many comparable comebacks to this type of remark. It clearly illustrates how out of touch people can be to the infertile couples plight.

The truth is that most people do not realize that the most innocent statement can cut so deep. Most people do not understand and simply would be better off just listening as opposed to saying something cruel, thoughtless, and stupid. In a perfect world we can zing them right back but alas we are better than that. I hope you have a great Independence Day and I wish you the best in your journey. I love you all.