You have discovered that you have a fertility issue and suddenly you may feel you are on a desert island and no one can get to you or has ever even heard of the island you now live on. What to do? You could collapse in your own fears and blame yourself or God or the flat Mountain Dew you drank 11 years ago and have since discovered that some random study in Switzerland says flat Mountain Dews cause infertility in mice. You have a tough road ahead of you if you pursue fertility treatments but nothing is impossible and you may be stronger than you know.
Most everything in life has cycles. The seasons, death, and love all have common steps that people feel or go through when they experience them. When the Summer ends you can rest assured cooler weather and Fall are coming and then Winter and finally Summer again. When faced with fertility issues and the thought of not having children you will possibly go through certain common cycles. You may not feel so good emotionally but you are not as unusual as you think you are. There are millions of people who face down fertility issues. Do you want to know the dirty little secret? A great many people beat the monster of fertility concerns. Let’s see how “unusual” you may not be.
It seems that everyone around you is getting pregnant, including the dog that you had fixed ten years earlier. You are angry with these people. It just makes no sense that everyone is pregnant at a time when you are at your infertile low. For us it not only seemed that everyone was getting pregnant but the wrong people were getting pregnant. We became horribly judgemental. We were quick to point out to each other if we felt they could not afford a new child, or they were too young to be parents, or if they were even fit to be parents, or we would comment that they already have three why do they need four. Who are we to judge, right? Eventually anger could be admitted to actually be jealousy of these pregnant couples good fortune. After you concede to jealousy sometimes depression follows…..like I said early things happen in a cycle.
You have tried to become a mother for a while. First you tried the good old-fashioned way to get pregnant and after a while you realized that something is not quite right. You finally pick up the nerve to go to a doctor and discover that there is a fertility issue. After long discussions with your spouse you decide to start fertility treatments. You now get on the infertility rollercoaster known to us as “the process”. You go to doctor appointment after doctor appointment, get gallons of blood drawn, try to figure out what the doctor is thinking while examining you, have speculum after speculum inserted in you, maybe do a couple IUI or IVF cycles, and then you hit that wall. The wall you plowed into is fear and doubt that your endeavors will never be fruitful. You find yourself sitting in the living room thinking you would understand if your spouse left you to have a child with another. You don’t feel complete and you think you are a let down to your spouse. This is yet another cycle.
People just don’t seem to know what to say to you. They are so completely ignorant to your feelings that you just want to throttle them. You suffer the worse case scenario of losing a pregnancy and people tell you “Don’t worry it is part of Gods plan”…..really?!?! God is just teaching me a lesson? This is God’s way to help me out?….really. Many of us have had the friend that tells you, when they know of your struggle, “well at least you get to have the fun of trying to have kids and having lots of sex”. They do not realize that for some people sex becomes part of “the process” and is sometimes scheduled and over thought. It can be hard to enjoy sex when you are thinking “okay baby hit the target”. Oh by way, the target I am referring to is not the traditional love-making target most people shoot to please but rather the egg buried deep inside a woman. That is a much tougher shot. Your friends that are fully aware of your pain are more than happy to constantly tell you how well their pregnancy is going or how much fun the kids they have are to be with. You get sensitive to the most random statement. You begin to think that people are saying things in your presence to be spiteful. You begin to avoid people you have known and loved for years so you don’t have to hear it. You resent them and maybe even yourself for feeling the way you feel. This too is a cycle.
These are three common feelings women have during “the process”. You notice I wrote “common” which is far removed from “unusual”. Your bad luck in your ability to have a child is not unusual because millions of women go through this. If you have felt any or all the above you are not a horrible person and you are not unusual because many people have these feelings. It is human nature to feel these things. When you realize you are not alone it can be easier to get support. The hardest part can be talking about your fears. Go to a support page like Attain Fertility, CNY Fertility, Resolve, 999 Reasons To Laugh at Infertility and read the news feed. You will find that the community is full of people like you. You are not unusual, you are not alone. Go to WordPress and search for blogs on the subject of infertility and you will find out that you are not the first to feel the things that make you doubt yourself. Once you know you are not alone it can sometimes be easier to move on because you will also see that others may have walked your path. You will also hear about success and that it can be attained. You are amazing because you are willing to put yourself through hell to be a parent. If you do not have a child you are still amazing and no less a person. No matter the final results of your journey never give up on yourself or your partner because the love you have for each other is all that matters whether you have a child or not.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
I live in Virginia Beach with my wife and daughter. We went through a five-year journey with fertility treatments before our daughter was born as a result of IVF. I published an EBOOK for the Nook (Barnes and Noble) and Kindle (Amazon) titled “The Longest Love Letter”. The book tells the story of my wifes amazing strength during that difficult time of our life. It is me speaking directly to my daughter telling her the story of unconventional way she came to be born.
“The Longest Love Letter” Facebook: