Infertility: You Cannot Afford a Baby

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Has this ever happened to you? You are having lunch with a friend and you are discussing your fertility issues. You explain to your friend the things you have been through so far. You tell them you have had a hand full of tests done and maybe gone the less expensive route of IUI but no luck having a child. You may even talk about a pregnancy you lost. You are sharing very intimate parts of yourself and you are extremely vulnerable. You mention that your journey may be over because you cannot afford to do IVF and you are either scared to get a loan or cannot get a loan for the procedure. Your friend takes all of this in and says, “Sweetie, if you cannot afford IVF how will you afford a child?” In your head, you get up from your seat at the table, pick up the pie your friend is eating, and smash it directly between their eyes. Twist it a little so it gets in their eyes. Now let’s get back to reality and the fact that the pie option is not really an option. I have the opinion that when someone tells you this they do so for several reasons. The first reason is that they don’t know what to say to you about your plight because they do not have a point of reference. Maybe they do not have kids and have no desire to have them. Maybe they are not the open book you are and they are going through the same thing without your knowledge and in a moment of frustration they blurt out the comment. The main thing is that they just do not understand. It is very difficult to not take this statement personal but the facts are pretty simple because you are not comparing eggplants to eggplants. Our IVF cost us approximately $16,000. We had tried IVF and IUI previously but it was mostly covered by insurance. The IVF cycle that gave us our daughter was on our dime. IVF and most anything medical much less infertility related is expensive but then again so is a car. Many people do not have that kind of money lying around but are they less worthy of a child? Would they be a better parent if the money was at hand for IVF? Money does not equate to being a good parent and quite honestly it does not guarantee a better life. Money is security, maybe. If you do not have a child and develop a disease of some sort but cannot afford the procedure that could make you better are you no longer qualified to live? Because you cannot afford IVF does not make you poor. You may have great credit, always make your bills, and have a great job but a loan with no collateral is a tough get. When we went through our last cycle I was more frightened than ever. I knew the toll this had taken on my wife but I knew that if we had a failed IVF and lost our own money that would be a double whammy she may not bounce back from. We got lucky. I am lucky for her. The fact that you may not be able to fund IVF is not a reflection on your abilities to afford a child. My daughter is three. She is a Dr. Robin IVF miracle. In the three years we have had her there has not been a $16,000 bill. Things are tighter because of baby supplies and clothing and feeding another mouth but that is manageable to most people. People raise children on shoestring budgets everyday and the kids come out fine. A $16,000 bill can hit someone at any time of their life. There is a difference between an all at once bill and living expenses. Never ever let the you cannot afford IVF so you cannot afford a child argument bother you. That same person that you are having lunch with may not be able to afford an expensive medical procedure for their loved one but you would not say to them maybe that relative needs to check out of this world then? Most everyone is one series of disasters away from financial ruin. Do not let your lunch dates comment bother you. It is not a reminder of what you cannot accomplish. It is a statement of what they cannot understand. Always keep in mind that your friend means no harm either. Maybe your conversations have gravitated to your issues for such a while that your friend has not had the opportunity to share some problem they are having. If you ever feel your support system is wearing down then you should visit one of several support groups on the web or maybe even in town. Talk to your fertility clinic about support groups. Go to WordPress and search “Infertility”. Fertility Freak is a great WordPress Page. You will find many women expressing the same fears you have. Go to Facebook and visit Attain Fertility, Resolve, or 999 Reasons To Laugh at Infertility and you will find people you can talk to. Like they said in Close Encounters of the Third Kind…”we are not alone”. I love you all and keep hope. ABOUT THE AUTHOR: I live in Virginia Beach with my wife and daughter. We went through a five-year journey with fertility treatments before our daughter was born as a result of IVF. I published an EBOOK for the Nook (Barnes and Noble) and Kindle (Amazon) titled “The Longest Love Letter”. The book tells the story of my wife’s amazing strength during that difficult time of our life. It is me speaking directly to my daughter telling her the story of unconventional way she came to be born. “The Longest Love Letter” Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Longest-Love-Letter-EBOOK/193438320685453

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